I did not know whether to laugh or cry on reading this news item buried in the inside pages of a Philippine broadsheet. I do not know the subject of the story and it is not my intention here to malign him. I just find it incredible for the news item to begin this way:

" International lecturer, Rizalista de Vanguardia, noted foreign policy expert, lone Filipino member of the Paris-based UNESCO International Committee on Human Rights and Poverty Reduction, and Caballero Gran Cruz de Rizal Jose David Lapuz, professor of international politics and comparative foreign policy, returned last week from a 59-day series of lectures, conferences, and academic visits to four major cities in the United States.

To say the least, the paragraph, all 64 words of it, left me gasping for breath. But what was more breathtaking was its use of every available title, honorific, nomenclature or ascription to the man up front.

Wow. Reading that first paragraph, I was afraid the second would contain every bit of achievement the subject of the story ever earned in his glorious and storied life, starting when he was in short pants. I slapped the newspaper shut and threw it away. I truly value my sanity.

Those who do not know the country may be misled into thinking the term " only in the Philippines " refers to something that brings honor or commands respect. On the contrary, it is used mostly as a means to deride and ridicule.

" Only in the Philippines " brings attention not only to something unflattering but, more importantly, to the fact that it happens only here in this country, perhaps to the great fortune and amusement of others.

For instance, it is only in the Philippines that a person gets to be called more often by his title or professional calling than by his real name. Even the more dignified substitutes such as Mr., Mrs., or Miss have fallen into relative disuse.

Thus, instead of the name, a person may be called " Attorney " or " Engineer " depending on one's profession. Even priests are not spared, so that a monsignor is simply " Mons " while a reverend is plain " Rev. "

For other officials, a governor becomes " Gov " and the vice governor or vice mayor gets to be called " Vice. " A captain is " Cap " and a Cabinet undersecretary or assistent secretary is " Usec " or " Asec. " To those who merit " Honorable " before a name, they become " Hon. "

This brings me back to the beginning of this piece, to the subject of that item I saw buried in the inside pages of a Philippine newspaper. How would Filipinos address the subject of the story from the many assignations attached to his name?

Would Filipinos call him " Intel " as in international lecturer or " Rizvan " for Rizalista de Vanguardia. How about " Cagracruri " for Caballero Gran Cruz de Rizal? Or is it " Proinpocomfopo " for professor of international politics and comparative foreign policy?

This uniquely Filipino ( only in the Philippines, remember? ) propensity to make up names has, in fact, been sustained, adopted and promoted by no less than the media in this country, which cannot seem to avoid transforming everything into acronyms.

Go ahead, check it out. There is no single story in any single newspaper in this country that does not have something --- anything --- that has not been reduced to an acronym even when none is required or even exists.

Filipinos invent names for anything. Adidas has been corrupted to mean chicken feet, or Macdo, to mean "magdukoduko, " in reference to eating, head down, in a sidewalk BBQ stand. " Sideburst " refers to any eatery beside a restaurant ( originally, Sunburst ).

If this ability to invent names can only be cashed, we would probably be the richest country in the world. Alas, invented names do not often reflect substance. It is still best to go by the one we were baptized with. At least they came with the best interests of our parents.